Everyone likes you. Not everyone respects you.
Summary: Being liked and being respected are not the same thing. For leaders who lean toward people pleasing, the gap between the two can be hard to see and costly to ignore. This piece explores how to close it.
Avoiding friction is rarely about protecting others. More often, it is about protecting ourselves from discomfort. And for many people, that habit is quietly capping their influence.
Late on a Friday, a new piece of work landed on Caroline's desk. (Not her real name.) The ask was vague, the timeline unrealistic. She could see immediately that it would impact other priorities - including her weekend plans.
And still, she said yes.
During her coaching I asked her why. She paused, then said: "Because I'm a nice person. I could see how much pressure everyone was under."
She was right. She is a nice person. Thoughtful, reliable, the kind of leader people trust and genuinely like working with. And that's also exactly why this kept happening to her.
What she saw as being supportive was, in reality, avoiding friction.
And over time, that comes at a cost.
Being liked is not the same as being respected. And in leadership, the two don't always grow together.
Caroline was not short on credibility or capability. What was holding her back wasn’t a lack of competence. It was the moments where wanting to be liked got in the way of doing her actual job.
She filled gaps without naming the cost. She absorbed ambiguity instead of pushing for decisions. She framed her strongly held views as ‘suggestions’, just so others stayed comfortable.
From the outside, this looks collaborative. But from the inside, it can be exhausting.
You may now think "But I care about people. I want to be a good colleague."
Great! That is not what needs to change.
What needs to change is what you prioritise in the moment.
What keeps you liked
Avoid closing a decision because it might feel awkward
Say yes to a vague request because declining feels uncomfortable
Water down your view to pre-empt disagreement
Pick up work that is not yours because not helping feels mean
Ignore underperformance because you don't want to upset the person
Stay silent because speaking up feels like a risk
What earns you respect
Close decisions, even when that puts you on the line
Push for clarity on scope and timelines before committing
Say what you actually think, not a softened version of it
Return work to whoever owns it, so accountability stays where it should
Address underperformance early, while there is still time to improve
Say what everyone knows but nobody will
The change for Caroline was not dramatic. She did not become harder or less warm. She simply stopped absorbing what was not hers to carry.
She started asking for scope and priorities before committing. She named decisions that were being avoided. She used language that closed things down rather than leaving them open.
These were her new go-to phrases:
"I can take this on, but not alongside X. Which takes priority?"
"This is the decision I am making, unless there is a strong objection by end of day."
"This is not working and we need to address it directly. Can we find time this week?"
She did not become less kind. She became more direct. And that directness earned her more respect.
Where to start
One action matters more than a list of intentions.
Look at your week ahead. What is one decision everyone is avoiding, probably because it feels awkward or likely to create tension?
Decide now that you will be the one to close it.
"Based on what we have discussed, here is what I think we should do. Are there any strong objections?"
The people around you do not need you to absorb their discomfort. They need you to move things forward.
And more often than not, so do you.
April 2026
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